Thursday, August 19, 2010

Want a Personal Fairy?

Some of my posts have been really deep lately, so I thought I would lighten it up a little bit! The following is a post that MODG posted on her blog: Thanks, MODG, for officially declaring that myself and all of my doula sisters are now officially FAIRIES!

The hippies know something that the rest of us don’t. Well since I am falling somewhere in between hippie and gossip girl, I’m going to ruin the hippie code and tell you what they have going on. I hope they don’t kick me out of the club. I was pretty close when I wore the 4 inch heels to see the midwife last week. She was having NONE of that.

Ok, hippie secret. So they figured out a way to do something that I have been trying to find a way to do my whole life. And not only are they doing it, they got their husbands on board to pay for it.


So here’s how they did it. They were like, you know what? My husband is a lame tard and I don’t trust him at all to do the stuff I need when I give birth and I may squeeze his head off with the forceps. I am going to hire a personal assistant who does whatever I say and who is a baby birth expert and I’m going to call it something hippie sounding like “Doula” so they get confused and just go along with it.


You hire a doula when you get preg and they are there for you throughout the whole pregnancy with secret tips and tricks to make you feel better and will give you massages and will bring you secret herbs from their magic gardens and are basically birth geniuses. And they work for YOU, not the hospital, not your husband. So they do what you say.

So you best believe I jumped on that shit immediately. B was pretty much on board because he faints if the tampon doesn’t flush in the toilet. So he can play brickbreaker on his blackberry while me and the doula work it all out.

MODG, eat this flower and your baby will float delicately out of your vagina. OK fairy whatever you say.

Here was my criteria in hiring a doula:

1) She has to be pretty but not prettier than me.

2) She has to have a lot of secret magic. Like stuff that I don’t know about involving aromatherapy, herbs, spells and ESPECIALLY know how to make my vagina stay in one piece when I deliver this 23lb baby.

3) She has to think I’m funny.

4) She has to have really long hippie hair.

And would you believe that I found her? I did. I did. I DID. And not only does she meet all of my criteria, I THINK that she may be a fairy (!!!!) I know. She is tinier than me with super white skin and looong black hair and wore a little blue fairy dress. In our interview I was like, Fairy…do you have secret tricks and can you please detail them for me? She’s like, yes I do but I can’t tell you now. SUPER SECRET TRICKS!!! Obviously she was hired.

So my fairy has already been at my beck and call via email. I’m betting she regrets this arrangement already. And when Plankton wants to show his hairy face, she’ll come to my house and then follow me to the birth center and make sure everyone does what I want when I want, like a good personal fairy assistant. She also comes for a few visits to our house to do secret stuff.

Also she is a birth photographer as a bonus. I’m going to have a strict no pink parts policy. But I do enjoy a photo shoot. And I KNOW you’ll on be on me for pictures like the second Plankton pops out with his laptop in hand.

So, my recommendation ladies is if you EVER have the chance to hire a personal assistant/fairy, DO IT. Pregnant or not. Husbands are easy to convince of this stuff.

If you have detailed doula questions, I recommend asking my virtual doula Zdub. She would be my actual doula if she didn’t live in Colorado. But she scores 300 hippie points for living there.

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